Gary Varvel: Be an engine, not a caboose

Part 4 of marriage essays - What to do if you married a lemon

Sep 27, 2024

HOW TO MASTER YOUR FEELINGS

“…Admonish the young women to love their husbands, to love their children.” - Titus 2:4.

How do you teach someone to love?

This a true story: Northwestern University’s George W. Crane (1901–1995) was an M.D. and Ph.D. who ran a counseling practice and wrote an advice column called “The Worry Clinic,”

There was a woman who confided in him that she hated her husband, and she not only wanted to divorce him, she wanted to hurt him deeply.

Dr. Crane advised her to start showering him with compliments and do things for him, like fix his favorite meals so that when he thinks you love him devotedly, then you serve him the divorce papers and that should hurt him deeply.

Some months later the wife returned to report that she had followed his suggestion and all was going well. “Good,” said Dr. Crane. “So are you ready to file for divorce?” “Divorce!?” the woman said indignantly. “Never. I love my husband more than ever!”

What changed?

Feelings follow actions. We tend to love what we devote our time and attention to. If you’ve lost that loving feeling, choose to serve your spouse by demonstrating your love in actions and your feelings will follow.
You can't change your spouse but you can change you. If you shower your spouse with compliments, tenderness and serve them, then your spouse will be responding to a different you.

Marriage is NOT a 50-50 venture. It is 100 percent, all-in, no turning back, unconditional love venture. Men, that means loving your wife when you don’t feel like it.

Don’t be mastered by your emotions which can cause you to sin. You must master your emotions by choosing to love. The late Pastor Adrian Rogers used to say, “Your emotions are the shallowest part of your soul and God does not do His deepest work in the shallowest part.” God gave us emotions but we are NOT to be ruled by them.

God predestined Christians to be conformed to the image of His Son. Men, that means loving your wife the way that “Christ loved the church and gave Himself for it.” (Ephesians 5:25) If you are withholding love from your wife for any reason, you are sinning.

The Kendrick Brother’s 2008 movie, Fireproof, is about a self-absorbed firefighter and his wife who has fallen out of love him. His father gives him a a daily devotional called, the Love-Dare book which includes scripture, prayer, a statement of principle and an action. For instance:

Ephesians 4:32 says, “And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you.”

Then do what it says. This is a great principle to use in every relationship.

Here’s the point: Love is not a feeling. Love is a verb. Feelings follow actions just like a caboose follows the train engine. There were days I didn't feel like going to work, but it was my duty and once I acted, then I loved it. You must choose to love the way God loves you. Be an engine, not a caboose.

The Bible says, “But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” - Romas 5:8.

Face it, you are a sinner and you married a sinner. And like my late Pastor Don Tyler used to say, if you find out you married a lemon – squeeze 'em. So choose to do something loving for your spouse everyday. It will improve your marriage.