Gary Varvel: The problem with great expectations
Gary Varvel: The problem with great expectations
Part 5 of my marriage essays
DON’T LET THIS KILL YOUR MARRIAGE
“Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life.” - Proverbs 13:12.
William Shakespeare wrote, “Expectation is the root of all heartache.”
If unhealthy expectations are making you depressed, you should kill them before they kill you. Then put your trust in God’s will and not your own will. Take it from me, you’ll be a lot happier.
For 16 years, I applied and was rejected by every newspaper that posted for an editorial cartoonist. My disappointment was fueled by my great expectations.
Dr. Steve Maraboll said, “Expectation is an unhealthy attachment to people, things and outcomes we wish we could control, but don’t.” Unmet expectations in marriage can cause frustration, fuel anger, kill love and ruin relationships.
As I mentioned last week, marriage is not a 50-50 proposition. It is 100 percent commitment with NO expectations. If you only intend to do your half and expect your spouse to do hers, you are setting yourself up for a huge disappointment. This is NOT the way Jesus loves us. We don’t have to earn Christ’s love by our performance. And we shouldn’t expect our spouse to meet some level of service before we show them our love. This kind of expectation is selfish, childish and prideful.
Today, we are witnessing adults who have never emotionally matured. They are selfish and when the world around them doesn’t meet their expectations, they lash out and protest, claim victimhood and demand their rights. We were all like this when we were children. “Mom! Billy’s not playing right. He won’t give me my toy.”
Jesus said, “For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve,and to give his life as a ransom for many.” (Mark 10:45) Men, is this your attitude? It should be. God called us to become like Jesus and to love our wife sacrificially.
The Bible also says in Ephesians 5:25, “Husbands love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for it.” Jesus suffered and died for his church to pay for our sins. So husbands must die to selfish desires and love your wife without expectations.
Look, you and I are not in control – God is. Our prayer should be, “not my will but Your will be done.” I did that in the 1980s when I was looking for a cartooning job and that attitude made the rejection letters easier to take. Why? Because I believed that those jobs were not where God wanted me. Then in 1994, I got the job at The Indianapolis Star. I was pleasantly surprised because I never expected it. But this was God’s will for me.
Remember this about your marriage — if you are moody, grumpy, depressed or angry over unmet expectations, your wife is going to find you very difficult to be around. So kill your expectations, stop focusing on yourself and stop letting your emotions rule your actions. Instead, focus on serving your wife and loving like Jesus.
COMING NEXT WEEK: Part 6 - The goal of marriage
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My wife and I have been full time RVers for 4 years and we just finished building a cabin together, people ask don't you get tired of each other,? She's my best friend, we respect and love each other, why would they even say that. We're far from perfect but we work on our relationship. It's like we're in two different canoes going down a river with no paddles, we hold each other's canoe not to drift apart but going where the river wants to take us. After 39 years of holding each other's canoe we have a grip that's unbreakable.