Varvel’s Predictions for 2023
Attention Fact-Checkers: this is satire.
Jan. 6 - Tens of people show up at the US Capitol to commemorate the Jan. 6 Committee to keep Donald Trump from becoming president again.
Feb. 2 - Groundhog Day: For the 4th time since taking office, Kamala Harris hires a whole new staff after her current staff quits.
Feb. 7 - The State of the Union: President Biden defines America with one word: “Made in America.” Then he promises free gender transition surgeries for pre-teens.
Feb. 10 - Senate: With the help of 18 Republicans, Chuck Schumer and the Democrats pass a $1.3 trillion spending bill called the National Debt Reduction Act.
Feb. 14 - Valentine’s Day: Biden signs an executive order changing the name of the holiday to LGBTQi+ Day.
Feb. 22 - House Oversight and Judiciary Committees: Hunter Biden answers every question with, “I can’t remember because I was high on crack.”
March 1 - Nancy Pelosi retires from Congress to spend more time with her husband, Paul, in their new Bar called, “Insider Trading.”
March 17 - St. Patrick’s Day: Biden celebrates by lighting the White House in rainbow colors instead of green.
April 1 - April Fool’s Day: In a bipartisan gesture, Republicans in the House call for Democrats’ Day to be celebrated on April 1st.
April 9 - Easter: The White House Easter Egg Roll is cut short when the Easter Bunny finds the President sniffing the hair of little girls.
April 18 - Tax Day: Republicans ask to see Biden’s tax returns to see how he became a multi-millionaire working in government for 50 years.
May 5 - Cinco de Mayo: Biden gives all border control agents the day off.
May 14 - Mother’s Day: Biden signs executive order changing the name of the holiday to Birthing Person’s Day
May 29 - Memorial Day: Biden lays a wreath at a new monument called, The Tomb of the Unknown Genders.
June 1 - Gay Pride Month: Biden appoints a Drag Queen to be the Secretary of Grooming; a new cabinet position.
June 9 - Biden announces that he’s running for another term as Senator.
June 18 - Father’s Day: Kamala celebrates at an abortion clinic in California.
July 4 - Biden flies to England and apologizes to King Charles for the Revolutionary War.
Aug. 31 - White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre sets a new Guinness World Record for saying repeatedly, “Let me be clear,” beating the old record set by President Obama.
Sept. 4 - Labor Day: Biden claims that he has created 1 billion new jobs since his election.
Sept. 11 - 9-11: Biden and Kamala commemorate the day at a Mosque near ground zero in New York.
Oct. 9 - Indigenous Peoples’ Day, formerly known as Columbus Day: Ilhan Omar is deported to Somalia after complaining about America’s "system of oppression" one too many times.
Oct. 31 - Halloween: Jill Biden decorates the White House with scary photos of Donald Trump.
Nov. 2 - Gov. Ron Desantis forms a presidential exploratory committee.
Nov. 3 - The FBI launches an investigation into Desantis after receiving a dossier from the Democrats accusing him of colluding with the Russians to interfere in our election.
Nov. 4 - Biden gives an Oval Office address calling for unity and declares Desantis and the Republicans a, “threat to our democracy.”
Nov. 7 - Election Day: Voting is done entirely by phone. Democrats buyout all of the phones in America. Guess who wins.
Nov. 11 - Veterans Day: Biden unveils the new woke rainbow colored military uniforms.
Nov. 23 - Biden pardons 3 turkeys for Thanksgiving: Joe’s brothers, Frank and Jim and Joe’s son, Hunter.
Dec. 4 - The White House sends Christmas cards to the Americans who were left in Afghanistan.
Dec. 13 - Biden holds a $100,000-a-plate campaign fundraiser at a Scranton, PA High School Cafeteria. Sen. John Fetterman is the emcee.
Dec. 24 - To avoid a government shutdown, Congress passes a 14,000 page $6 trillion Omnibus bill delivered to Congress 24 minutes before the vote. Biden says it will reduce the deficit.
Dec. 25 - Christmas: Biden celebrates at the White House with a Drag Queen Santa Claus.
Dec. 31 - Great Reset: Biden joins world leaders in calling for a cashless currency. No one will be able to buy or sell without a computer chip injected into your hand or forehead. (Revelation 13)
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