Varvel: Father's Day advice

Six principles for becoming a great father

Varvel: 6 principles for becoming a good father (part 1)

Sadly, for many men, this is an Absentee-Father’s Day, and their children aren't the only ones who suffer. So does the rest of society.

This is my 39th Father’s Day as a dad. I have three children and excuse me for saying this but they are amazing. 

My wife deserves most of the credit. Oh, I helped, but she did most of the heavy lifting like giving birth, feeding, nurturing, cleaning and clothing them and whole lot of other stuff too numerous to mention here.

Don’t get me wrong, I changed my share of diapers, drove them to school, coached their teams, dispensed discipline, read to them (including the Bible) and played with my kids.  But their mother? She deserves those crowns in heaven.

You’ve probably seen the statistics. One in four children are growing up without a father in the home. And children without a father are at four times greater risk of poverty and are more likely to abuse drugs and alcohol, have behavioral problems, commit crime and go to prison.

Families are the foundation of society. It’s where children are supposed to learn respect for authority, empathy and that there are consequences for their actions. 

Unfortunately, a lot of families are broken and I wonder if America will be able to stand in the future with a broken foundation. 

I was not a perfect father. I made my share of mistakes, but I must have not messed up too badly because my kids turned out great. 

So let me share six things that I learned along my journey.

1. Get married before you have children.

Because it's the right thing to do.

2. Love your children's mom. 

I learned how to be a husband and father by observing my dad. He loved my mom for 62 years before he died. He demonstrated what true love and commitment looked like and that resulted in peace and security in our home. My children will tell you that I did the same.

3. Spend lots of time with your children.

Eat meals together as a family. Get involved in your children's school, sports, plays, recitals and I personally think you should go to church together. My parents came to my ballgames and I did the same for my kids.

Contrast that with Pacers star Victor Oladipo, who talked after playing in the NBA All-Star game about what an incredible feeling he had because it was the first time his father had come to see him play. "When your dad lifts you up and your dad motivates you, you feel like you can conquer the world," Oladipo said.

4. Lovingly talk to your children

There are 3 things every child needs to hear from their father. "I love you," "I'm proud of you." And "you're good at (something)."

Study your children. Learn their strengths and weaknesses and then encourage them in the way they should go. There is something about encouragement from a father that builds confidence into children. 

My dad bought me MAD magazine because I was fascinated by the artwork. His encouragement led me to where I am today.

5. Discipline your children.

Author Josh McDowell said, "Rules without relationship leads to rebellion."

The goal of discipline is to teach your children the life skills they need to become responsible adults. It is important that they learn delayed gratification, respect and empathy for others. If you do it right, you will save yourself a lifetime of grief.

Never discipline in anger. Whenever I had to discipline my children, I always hugged them afterward and told them, "I love you." 

6. Have fun with your kids.

Remember that sometimes the best memories occur when things go wrong. I vividly remember the time my dad was pitching to me in the side yard when I hit a line drive that shattered my bedroom window. When my mom came to the window, my dad said, "Don't yell at him. That was the best one he's hit all night." It was a demonstration of grace that bonded us together. By the way, I broke a few windows practicing my pitching and Dad forgave me every time. 

I remember how excited I was when my father came outside to play. So when my kids were little and they asked me to come out and play, I did so even when I was tired. 

But I wasn't my kids' friend when they were young.  A friend is an equal. They needed a dad who did dad things like tell them when to go to bed or when to get up. But my children are adults now and our roles have changed and I'm happy to say that today they are my best friends. 

Happy Father's Day!

Written by Gary Varvel in 2018. (Updated 2023)